I Saved the Planet!!!

I saved the planet today! I’m as green as collards!

How you may ask?

These!

Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs


The CFLs really save money. In almost all cases, a CFL bulb will only consume 25 percent of the electricity that is gobbled up by a wasteful standard incandescent bulb. So I went to Wal-Mart, fought the Mexicans for a parking place, said hello to the greeter. (It was Dick Chaney, and he would say, Welcome to Wal-Mart, fuck you) I went to the light bulb department and bought enough CFL’s to replace every bulb in my house.

The good news is every CFL can prevent more than 450 pounds of emissions from a power plant. So my 15 bulbs (15 X 450 = 6750) reduce 6750 pounds of planet killing carbon that I am personally keeping from out of our atmosphere. Yeah me! So not only will I save money on my power bill, I am reducing my carbon “footprint”

The next step in my effort to save Mother Earth is to participate in the carbon trading credit scheme. Here’s how it works. Carbon credits are certificates awarded to countries that are successful in reducing the emissions that cause global warming. For trading purposes, one credit is considered equivalent to one ton of carbon dioxide emission reduced. Such a credit can be sold in the international market at a prevailing market rate.

So now I’m ready to trade, so that I can make sure that the amount of pollution we pour into the air is not reduced by my CFL’s. Well after repeated phone calls to the big polluters, BP, US Steel, Krispy Kream Donuts, no one wanted to buy my carbon credits. I was in quite an environmental pickle. What to do? I had all of these carbon credits and nothing to do with them. Then the idea came to me, a way to restore the balance and save the earth.

So I burned down a forest and poured mercury into the river. The world is once again at peace. And I have helped to nurse our sickly planet back from the brink.


And don’t forget the words of wisdom imparted by Vice-President Dick Cheney “Welcome to Wal-Mart, fuck you”

The writing cat

I have this idea, that it would be very funny to have a cat that you could use as a pen.

It would work like this; the cat would be a real living cat, but stiff as a board with its tail sticking straight out. It would sit on your desk until needed. You would just pick it up by the tail, hold it like you would a pen or pencil and write with the tail. Of course the cat would make screeching noises as you wrote. Then just place him back on your desk and he will purr contentedly until you need him again.

Of course it would be a bad idea to put the cat behind you ear, and it would really be hard to jam him in a pen holder, so let’s just keep it on the desk until we can work out those problems.

I need some help with names for this, so please leave your ideas in the comment box.

Will the real daddy come on down!

What do Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, Alexander Denk, the 1989 Denver Broncos and I have in common? Apparently we have all sleep with Anna Nicole Smith.

As the line gets longer to find out who is the real daddy of little Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern (you can see I had nothing to do with naming her, don’t people use the name Jane anymore?) I’m throwing my hat into the ring. What the hell, I could get lucky and win the Dannielynn lottery. And let’s face it, I care as much about this kid as the rest of these losers do, with the exception of John Elway, the man’s a Saint.

Oh and lets not forget her late husband J. Howard Marshall, who is rumored to have saved some sperm so that Anna Nicole could mother his child. Sounds really romantic does it not, wine, soft music, methadone and Anna Nicole throwing hands full of semen at her vagina.

It seems that the late Anna Nicole was a tad of the slutty side, which I’m usually ok with, but damn, is there no one that she didn’t sleep with? It’s only a matter of time before Bill Clinton steps forward, then Hillary claiming she’s the father. Face it guys she’s manlier then most of you.

But while no one seems to care what happens to her child, except of course John Elway, the man’s a saint, what is happening to her? All of the “fathers” just see dollar signs and not a child, hopefully they can get her to a loving parent before all of these losers screw her up.

But we can’t let her sluttish ways diminish our rememberance of Anna Nicole's contributions to society, remember she was the one who first....…….err, well she was a champion of…....hmmmm well in the past few years she helped…....it seems to elude me at this moment, but hey, she had great tits!

Congratz to Rob and Kat!

Our friends Kat and Rob are now the proud parents of three little Mexican kids. Look at them; they are so cute, and big! I bet that hurt!

Meet Antonio Carlos Cesar, Enrique Enriqueta Ernesto and little Maria Juanita Anna Nicole. What a great looking group of kids, I know Robs tax accountant is very proud of them.


For some strange reason they are all Mexican, we all know that Rob is whiter then Wonder Bread, so how could this have happened. I feel sure that Kat is not humping the Mexican gardener, because I know for a fact that Rob is.


This is what I think is going on here. Illegal immigration is getting so prevalent, and the aliens so bold, Mexican children are crossing the boarder and sneaking into the wombs of unsuspecting American women. One day they are in Guadalajara, the next day they are using your ovaries as a pillow.

It’s to late to build a fence on the boarder, we need to fence off our women reproductive organs before they become little Mexico. And who could sleep with that cheesy Mexican music blasting from between their legs?

But we can look on this as a blessing for Rob and Kat, Rob has his tax deductions and Kat has three more people she can use as domestic servants.

STATE BEATS CAROLINA!

I wish I could say that I has written this, but I didn't. But for all you State fans out there that grew up in the 70's and 80's, this is for you.

“This is what N.C. State does. Throughout history, we’re a basketball school that pulls off big upsets.”

* Brandon Costner, Saturday, February 3, 2007

To many, Saturday, February 3rd 2007 will signify the Wolfpack’s first win over the hated Tarholes in many, many tries. It will be the date that Coach Sidney Lowe bested Coach Roy Williams in their first match-up. It will simply be the date we beat Carolina.

To me, this day is much more. It is the day when I got my beloved Wolfpack basketball team back. Fans whose memories may not go back as far as mine may be puzzled by this comment. Let me explain.

I grew up in the 1970’s and 80’s. In those days, State-Carolina was THE rivalry and Duke was merely an afterthought. We’d watch the ACC Tournament in school on Friday and then almost get into fistfights over whose team was better. Dean Smith was well on his way to earning his status as a legend of college basketball, but there was certainly no great divide between the two programs.

And most true Carolina fans knew that. It was accepted that when State and Carolina faced off, you’d better bring your best game, no matter who was favored, because it was going to be a war. While Dean Smith kept Carolina in perennial Top 10 status and went to numerous Final Fours, NC State was able to keep the pace with both ACC and NCAA championships.

Younger State fans and current students should chew on this: As of 1990, State and Carolina were TIED in the number of national championships won at two each. In ACC championships, Carolina had a whopping one title more than State for virual parity.

How did State coaches Sloan and Valvano manage to keep Dean Smith feeling the wolves’ breath on his back? Save for the legendary teams of 1972-1975, State never had as many blue chip players. But both coaches had the ability to coach Wolfpack hoopsters into playing beyond themselves. This ability to accomplish more with less (as opposed to less with more..cough..cough..) is the legacy of NC State basketball. At the time of Coach Valvano’s resignation, NC State HAD TO be included in any discussion of great college basketball programs.

And yet for most of the last 17 years, NC State had let that legacy crumble. We had a program that played to the level of talent we had, sometimes less than that, but rarely more. And as a lifelong Wolfpacker, I felt like the program I grew up cheering, loving, and yes – fighting for, had died. We didn’t have the ability to get hot and pull off a run in the tournament. If we beat Carolina, it was because CC Harrison turned into Kobe Bryant for two hours or because Matt Doherty couldn’t coach.

Saturday, Coach Sidney Lowe changed all that.

Lowe coached our extremely thin team to give 110 percent for 40 minutes and match a bench full of McDonald’s All-Americans shot for shot. Coach Lowe knows the legacy of NC State basketball and is instilling it into our players daily. The red jacket, bringing back prominent players of the past, switching up non-conventional defenses are all signs that Coach Lowe knows how to emulate his predecessors and accomplish more with less.

Carolina is still an odds-on favorite to go to another Final Four this year. I’ve still got State penciled into the NIT. But on February 3, 2007, I saw a program that played with tenacity and emotion to overcome tremendous odds and beat our arch-rival. I saw a program ready to embrace our storied history. This day will always be the day that I got my Wolfpack basketball team back.

Fae

Emmee as a Child
Printed by Thomas Sterns

She is feeding the ducks poison.

This is Emmee, also known as HmmMary.


Nice eyes.

This is Emmee’s pillow.


Nice pillow.

There are a few things you need to know about Emmee, she is a bed hog and a pillow stealer. I have it on good authority, that in the bed she is very selfish. Her philosophy is “I got mine, you get yours” And trust me she will get what is cuming to her.

Former bed partners report that not only will she steal your pillow and not stay on her side of the bed, but has been known to steal the coins out of your pants pockets if you leave them setting around. We think that she does this because she is addicted to over the counter cough syrup and needs the money for her habit. My proof? Have you ever heard her cough? I didn’t think so. I say let her have the change, she could find worse ways to get the money.

As a former Nun, from the Order of the Sisters of St. Cloud-Kissimmee (reformed), she was one of the brave few that spoke out about Priest abusing Alter boys. It was because of her courage that Father “Uncle” Shelby, the known pedophile, was brought to Justice. Of course the Church forced her out, but they did give her a boatload of cash to go away. Sadly she has blown all the money on Robitussin and a commercial ice maker. (more about that later)

But when shes not hallucinating from the juice, she is the nicest, sweetest, smartest lady that you would care to meet. When she is not in bed yelling “Let go of my fucking pillow” you can find her by the lake writing children stories, and feeding the ducks.